My Epitaph

Well, here I am...this is what I've become: a pariah, banished from the world of blogger and prohibited from my blog  Bi Like Me of almost 5 years for over a week.  What did I do wrong?  Apparently, being a sexual "gay" blog probably doesn't have anything to do with my removal. I'll give Google the benefit of the doubt on this case, despite those that say otherwise (Google Closes Gay Blogs). I can't believe that Google has decided to cast aside Constitutional rights and free speech in a concerted and planned effort to rid the world of gay blogs. More likely, I was a victim of less than adequate computer software. According to blogger, 

"The disabling is a result of our automated classification system marking it as spam. Because this  system is automated there will necessarily be some false positives, though we're continually working on improving our algorithms to avoid these. If your blog is  not a spam blog, then it was one of the false positives, and we apologize."

Yes, I got an apology from blogger, and while I may not be happy, I'm not angry either.

I'd encourage those that followed me who have blogs of their own to post this on their blog too as a way of me reaching out to all my readers, some of whom have already given up on my return. You guys, for a very long time,  were my emotional lifeblood..and were there for me when I needed you most.

Five years in blog terms is a lifetime. You've all read blogs that are here one day, gather steam..take off, and suddenly, disappear. I was different. I started my blog at a turning point in my life: a recent breakup with Ross, and as a result of a changing economy that saw my work, and salary, shrink.  I needed to vent, and being a closeted, married, bisexual, I found blogger.

In the beginning, I reached out to others for technical help. Other bloggers assisted me with the questions I had, but ultimately, I researched online and learned the html language required to make the blog. I began my blog with an introduction and followed with some pre-Ross stories..a history, of sorts, of my sexual exploits in college. The first time I was with a man, the parties, the internet. The meetings and relationships that molded my sexual being. Then, I met Ross. That was clearly different.

With Ross, I felt "normal" for once. There was the freedom of being together, the fun, sex and confidence we had in one another, able to share the feelings of being closeted.  I explained on the blog how that relationship grew, and ultimately fizzled out. I remember those days writing in my quiet office. Days when my phone never rang, money wasn't coming in, and yet, I was busy all day working - on the blog.

I learned how to enhance the blog, with other links, information, advertisements, and how those links and ads could bring even more readers to Bi Like Me. I looked forward to reading other blogs, commenting on those blogs and found more and more visitors to my blog, and more and more commenters. My blog went from an unknown to a known, visited by up to 8,000 readers a day, and that was encouraging, inspiring, and at the same time, burdensome. I felt a responsibility to my readers. A responsibility to blog every day, a desire to improve, and a need to reveal even more.

I spoke about my relationship with my wife and my feelings toward her, my family and the like. That was cathartic personally, allowing me to express the questions and concerns I had about my marriage. But, it also incited strong feelings from others: from women, who were, up to that point, an unknown and hidden consumer of the blog, and some men, who despised the fact that I was unfaithful to my marriage vows. I never did understand that: here I was, being honest, opening my heart, displaying my guts to the world of blogger, and the readers lashed back at me. Yet, they continued to read and my readership grew.

 I remember when I knew that I had "made it" in terms of my blog. I had received an email from someone who was very gracious and complimentary about the blog. Then he mentioned that he and his friends looked forward and talked every day about what I wrote. Imagine that people actually talked about my blog!  "Did you see American Idol this week? Can you believe Charlie's off Two and a Half Men?  Did you read Bi Like Me today?" I was now water cooler fodder and that was pretty cool.

I continued the journey of my life online, post-Ross.  The heart-ache, and the sexual exploits. The many, many sexual exploits. The good, the bad and the ugly. There were many hot times, and I shared them with you.

But, over the years, my work life required more of my time. I also started to get burned out with the blog. Writing wasn't priority anymore and I decided, I wanted more for the blog. I brought in Frat Star, a young, hot, brash young man. He wrote of some great encounters, and a perspective that I could never, because of my advanced age, relate to or reveal. His Friday writings were insightful, intelligent and very popular. But, his time, also, became strained as he graduated college and entered the workforce full time.

More recently, I brought on Tittie Tuesday: a new perspective of a woman to the blog. Initially, her female point of view was a nice respite to the trashy, everyday blog world of Bi Like Me. Lately, she revealed something I had long known: she too had marriage issues, and had toyed with the possibility of adultery. I guess I am not alone.

On Fridays, I recently featured a very good writer from Jay Crosses the Line.  He was just beginning to get his feet wet on my blog, yet I think he was received well and positively added to the community of the blog.  Like you, I looked forward to his entries weekly.

Things were finally getting into place at the blog. A place that I had worked hard at establishing, transitioned into a "maintenance phase" where I didn't need to be the focus anymore. It's where I had envisioned things going: a community outreach for those needing a voice and needing to be heard.

Blogger had temporarily derailed that voice. Then I had come to a decision: I was not going to blog anymore, even if the blog was reinstated. Then - suddenly - minutes after I had emails Girl Tuesday and Jay, my blog appeared again.  But my decision has not changed.

Again, I'm not angry. I'm ready to move on, really, need to move on.  There was another time I mistakenly got removed by blogger. I came back, and it was a lot of work, reestablishing myself. I no longer have that strength or desire. But, I did say in a post after that first time that I wouldn't just disappear without some sort of "death-bed goodbye" - and well, I suppose, this is it.

So, here's the latest on me:

Ross: Ross and I have been in contact. We have a special relationship..one that probably won't change ever.  Despite him being half my age, I consider him a great confidant and good friend. A few months ago, we met again for dinner. Had our usual conversation, ended up getting smashed, and kneeing each other under the table. We ended up taking things back to my office close by, so I could show him my new phone system (nice idea, right?). We ended up making out, getting naked, and having sex in the conference room.

I realized that something was usual about that night and I guess time has distanced me from the relationship. In the days after that night, Ross had texted me..often and initiated it. Rather than me being all crazy in love - I didn't have that usual spark/frenzy anymore.  I mean, I enjoyed my time with him, but, I wasn't crazed anymore. We will continue to be good friends..and maybe have that occasion fuck around session..but I think the days of a relationship with him are over.

My marriage: I think my marriage is no different than any other. We go through good times and bad.  I think I'm also "bi" in another way: "bi-polar". I think I've always been that way. I can love you or hate you and that's how things are in my marriage. Sometimes, things can be great - for days, for weeks..we bond together (although there's still no sex) and have successful, healthy, children that achieve and prosper. Then, there are days, or a week where I could kill her (so to speak).

Some of that has to do with my wife's fantasy: she thinks a guy is going to chat all day about everything: current events, the kids, ad nauseam.  I asked her one day, after a particular rough relationship week: "Who do you speak to and chat with all the time?" She responded with the list of familiar girls that are her close friends. I then told her that all those people have one thing in common: they're girls. I'm not a girl. No guy wants to come home after a long day at work and discuss "how they feel" or  are ready to engage in an in-depth discussion of what carpet will look better in the great room. Guys just don't want to do that, I explained to her.  You can't expect me to spend hours talking about trivial things that I'm just not interested in, where a simple yes or no will suffice.

Then, she told me something telling..something that made me feel both happy and guilty at the same time.

"You know, you're difficult, selfish and surly sometimes" she said.

"So are you." I said. "But, if I'm so difficult...why are you still here? " I asked.

"Because I love you." she said.

I guess I'm not half bad after all (or maybe I am half-bad)l. Yes, I lie, I cheat...but, I am a good provider, a great father and ultimately, reliable and available partner - and I am loved. That should say something about me.  Yes, we all have issues. Every marriage has issues. You take the good with the bad...and until the bad outweighs the good, you stick with it. The scales have not tipped that balance for me or her.

I don't plan on leaving my wife. Most probably, my sexual relationships with others won't change either.  It's how I've lived my life for 20 years. The clandestine nature of those trysts protect both myself and my family and allows us to continue our marriage, in a seemingly "normal" way. After all, a marriage is much more than sex: it's knowing you have the same values, can rely on each other, can rear your children in a successful way. It's knowing, when the times get tough, when things are at their worst, when the cards are down  -  that someone has your back.

People will say (and have said) that I want my cake and eat it too. Maybe they are right. I think they are jealous. I've found a way to have a family, be successful and be relatively happy. Most don't have half what I have in their lives.

So, I guess I've gone on long enough - with the blog Bi Like Me and this post.  Things have a way of changing, yet really, ultimately staying the same. I'll miss sharing my stories with my readers..I know lots of you have relied on my blog as camaraderie for married/bi/confused/cheating guys. Nobody can ever define what's right for you..nobody can say that something is wrong, unless they've walked in your shoes. Everybody is different.

I'm in a good place. I damn near went crazy looking around for a different place. I thought that place may have been with another guy..permanently. Often thought that once the kids were grown, I'd be out of my marriage. But, I don't think so anymore. I want to be with my wife. I want to have the familial setting..I have the white picket fence and I'm not looking to change that anymore. People search a life-time for what I have.

I'm already there, thank you.